Who I am with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3 ago at the age of 21. I didn’t continue my medication, because my parents at the time didn’t believe in having me medicated. In their defense I was a zombie on the medication they had me on. So after much discussion they decided to switch to a homeopathic doctor. For the time it seemed to work I got better or back to my normal. Little did we know that I would have another episode 3 years in the future.
Flash forward 3 years and into my second episode at 24 which I’m coming down from. I’m now on medication from my incredible psychiatrist Judy C. Googins. (Side note she is the best Christian Psychiatrist in East Texas located in Tyler, TX) in case you have been searching for one or think you may have bipolar disorder.
In my current situation to give an update of the past couple months I’ve been struggling with my recent re-diagnoses of bipolar disorder type one (1). On one hand I have to come to terms with the fact that I will struggle with this disorder the rest of my life on the other hand I knew deep down that I always though differently. 3 years ago we thought it was an isolated event caused by my Topmax adverse reaction. In April when I admitted myself into a behavior health clinic where they held me for 2 weeks while they got my meds balanced out. Now coming out of my second manic episode I’m feeling better much better. The first one happened when I was just 21 years old. Back then it was the scariest and still is part of my life. When you don’t know and can’t control what your body is doing it can seem bizarre. It was like what I would assume tripping on acid would feel like from what I’ve heard. I myself have never tried anything other than marijuana. My brothers however, are very insightful when it comes to side effects with harder drugs. So I tend to lean on them for comparison when I talk about my episodes out loud.
The stigma for bipolar disorder already gets a bad wrap to begin with as soon as you say it. I plan to change that stigma by managing my bipolar disorder with a healthy diet, lots of exercise along side my medication. It is possible to live a normal lifestyle dealing with all the baggage that bipolar disorder type 1 brings. Some days breathing is all I can do and sometimes even breathing is the most excoriating thing in the world. If I’m honest everyday I have to choose be positive because even if I don’t have control of my minds wondering/racing thoughts of depression I do have control of my actions. So I choose to see the wanderlust in the darkness.
I choose to let feel all the emotions this life has to offer. The good and the bad at emotions all at once that come rushing to the surface. I choose to be a beacon for others who are also struggling with the side effects of living
and breathing through this disorder they call bipolar. Everyday I have to remind myself that there is light at the end tunnel. Even though it’s a small glimpse sometimes and I mean a very small glimmer of hope I hold onto it even if I forget what hope feels like somedays. I know the feeling of hope and I choose to hold onto it with all my heart. This is not a cry for petty or sympathy this is just simply my way of venting and dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt with.