Today was a good day for a good day. Sometimes you needs some all natural Vitamin D soaking into your bones to boost your mood. We drove and had an all girls trip.
Who I am with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3 ago at the age of 21. I didn’t continue my medication, because my parents at the time didn’t believe in having me medicated. In their defense I was a zombie on the medication they had me on. So after much discussion they decided to switch to a homeopathic doctor. For the time it seemed to work I got better or back to my normal. Little did we know that I would have another episode 3 years in the future.
Flash forward 3 years and into my second episode at 24 which I’m coming down from. I’m now on medication from my incredible psychiatrist Judy C. Googins. (Side note she is the best Christian Psychiatrist in East Texas located in Tyler, TX) in case you have been searching for one or think you may have bipolar disorder.
In my current situation to give an update of the past couple months I’ve been struggling with my recent re-diagnoses of bipolar disorder type one (1). On one hand I have to come to terms with the fact that I will struggle with this disorder the rest of my life on the other hand I knew deep down that I always though differently. 3 years ago we thought it was an isolated event caused by my Topmax adverse reaction. In April when I admitted myself into a behavior health clinic where they held me for 2 weeks while they got my meds balanced out. Now coming out of my second manic episode I’m feeling better much better. The first one happened when I was just 21 years old. Back then it was the scariest and still is part of my life. When you don’t know and can’t control what your body is doing it can seem bizarre. It was like what I would assume tripping on acid would feel like from what I’ve heard. I myself have never tried anything other than marijuana. My brothers however, are very insightful when it comes to side effects with harder drugs. So I tend to lean on them for comparison when I talk about my episodes out loud.
The stigma for bipolar disorder already gets a bad wrap to begin with as soon as you say it. I plan to change that stigma by managing my bipolar disorder with a healthy diet, lots of exercise along side my medication. It is possible to live a normal lifestyle dealing with all the baggage that bipolar disorder type 1 brings. Some days breathing is all I can do and sometimes even breathing is the most excoriating thing in the world. If I’m honest everyday I have to choose be positive because even if I don’t have control of my minds wondering/racing thoughts of depression I do have control of my actions. So I choose to see the wanderlust in the darkness.
I choose to let feel all the emotions this life has to offer. The good and the bad at emotions all at once that come rushing to the surface. I choose to be a beacon for others who are also struggling with the side effects of living
and breathing through this disorder they call bipolar. Everyday I have to remind myself that there is light at the end tunnel. Even though it’s a small glimpse sometimes and I mean a very small glimmer of hope I hold onto it even if I forget what hope feels like somedays. I know the feeling of hope and I choose to hold onto it with all my heart. This is not a cry for petty or sympathy this is just simply my way of venting and dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt with.
They say Blondes have more fun but do they really? I’ve had every color know to mankind on my head and I still had just as much fun as when I was a brunette.to when I was blonde. This cliche is stupid, because I am a natural strawberry blonde does that mean your leaving me out because I got some strawberry color in mine? Nope. Don’t think so. I think it depends are your personality. Mine happens to be well different than most girls. My best guy friend used to tell me I was one of the guys but in a girls body or that I was always a tomboy ( which I’m not hello? Went to school for Fashion Merchandising) I’m so girly…but I do love my Chuck Taylors every now and then. Now that might seem weird or come off as rude but I’ll take it as a compliment. I know what he means though, I grew up with two brothers one younger and one older than me so I get guys I really truly do.
They are gross and nasty, pick their noses, but can be sweet and loving and they do care behind the mask they put up. I know this because I observe everything my brothers have every done very very closely. I mean when I was little I wanted to stand Peeing Up! Because my older brother Nick did it, I was 3 people give me a break ok. Anyways I get guys and understand them more than I do girls, is that weird I think so too? haha but oh well it happens when you don’t grow up around any sisters you become more accustomed to guy talk then girl talk. Now don’t get me wrong I can sooooo talk girl talk with ya but I’d rather be surrounded by a bunch of smelly guys, because it’s more comfortable since I’m very close to my brothers we talk about everything from girls to butts to makeup girls wear too much of, I’ve gotten the inside scoop of “how the mind of a boy to a man” works.
Let me tell ya it’s so interesting to see and watch my brothers especially my now 19yr old little brother go from 5’4 to 6’1 /6’2 whichever who cares but man… do I feel like a midget beside him.. call out Wizard of Oz extras I could be one how he towers over me! People either think two things when we are together which we normally are being best buddies in all, that we are twins boy and girl… or that he my roguishly handsome boyfriend. Ha I don’t mind either one its flattering to me and him. But we aren’t either just look a lot a like for siblings. It makes me laugh haha. Back to my guy rant. Guys hate it when girls are needy, they hate it when you wear too much make-up that you face looks like a cupcake, sorry ladies they do. All this coming from my two brothers who are very wise and smart and are complete gentlemen. My Mamma raised them right, they open car doors, pull out chairs for me let me go first well sometimes but most the time when they aren’t making jokes about how Blonde I can be they are sweet.
I’ve seen how women are suppose to be treated by their examples and I’ve also heard horror stories of how and what guys talk about coming from their point of view… I’ve hear it all. And this post was just me thinking out loud about how men and women are so complete polar opposite from one another… Then there’s me… A one of a kind gem who thinks like a guy but looks like a girl. What do I do? I compromise my feelings I have to remind myself to think like a girl because I normally don’t like what my girly instincts tell me sometimes. They say to be a lady well I sure as hell am:) but I am a tomboy at heart I just don’t let it show, I guess I’d have to admit it. After all these years yes I am. I get dirty. SO WHAT. Right its ok sometimes. Not to be a complete lady to let loose and live. I have to remind myself that.
I love to go camping and sit out by the fire and enjoy nature read a book I’m always reading something from Shakespeare to Emily Bronte, fishing is one of my favorite and relaxing things to do I loved going out and shooting skeet now that was an adventure I’ll never forget. I love being around my brothers more than anyone else in the world they are so special to me and have taught me and raised me right. They shown me how to be a good girlfriend and girl/friend to guys probably the best, because they tell me all the things they like girls to do that they don’t think of. I take into consideration everything they’ve said to me… ever and man has it helped me dodge some major mistakes. So thanks Nick and Josh for always being such men and nasty little boys so that I have something others girls don’t and thats endurance and strength to handle any curve ball life throws, because you taught me to catch at an early age I might of completely and utterly suck, but I tried really hard I mean, Real Hard at everything.
I’ve quit more things than most people its only because I get bored with things easily. But one of my shining moments they will always be proud of is when I tried out for basketball in the 8th grade and made B Team… like what! it was so exciting to be apart of a team. My brothers were so good at sports and I sucked butt. I was always too clumsy to do anything that required coordination. It was like I had two left feet, but only by the grace of God did I make they team that day and actually wasn’t benched the whole time. They were there at every home game and I remember looking up into the stands and seeing both of them wave and smile they were so proud of their sissy for playing some athletic sport they could enjoy. They hated being at my recitals for dance ohGod! did they moan and complain… They heard the words Candy Crocker end of they year recital and went running the other way. Or my Drill Team dance competitions they hated them… but every year they were there at the end with bouquets of roses in one hand each and a big hug and a kiss it made my recitals worth it.
Brothers… there’s something to be said to everyone who has had the chance to have them. They are great and I wouldn’t trade mine in for nothing:) No way its an open portal to Man World 24/7 who wants to shut that down, not me it helps me out daily to know what and how guys think. Well thats all on my rant about guys today hah. Some are jerks & some like my brothers aren’t you just got to understand them from their points of views then you’ll understand men/guys better.